I've been having these really bizarre moments of self-awareness lately. And it's not pleasant self-awareness. It's the sort of thing where you realize that you exist and everything you're doing and have done have happened to an actual person and that person is you and everything gets existential for a bit and you can't quite get over it for a while.
The first incident was on Tuesday. It was night, and I was at my grandparents' house like I usually am on Tuesday nights. My grandparents were asleep, and I went to the bathroom and noticed myself in the mirror. Maybe it's because they have a lot of mirrors in their bathrooms so I saw myself reflected more times there than I'd see myself reflected in most bathrooms, but I saw myself in the mirror and thought, "This is me. This is the body I pilot. I am looking at a human's body, and it is my own. It is the one associated with me. This is me. I see actually me in the mirror." And it was one of those moments and I had to leave the room and just sort of calm down for a bit.
The second incident was on Wednesday. I was in a bathroom again and I saw myself in a mirror again, and the same thing happened. Not quite as intensely, but it happened.
The third incident was on Thursday. I realized, after two days of writing-related difficulty, that my characters didn't feel real to me and never quite had. There's a certain extent to which I'm willing to stretch my definition of "reality". I accept the world around me as real in the sense of physical reality. I accept the things in my head, like my ideas or imaginations or the parts of my mind I personify, as reality in my head - you might call it head-reality. I accept religious things like God and angels as real in not just a physical sense (in that they are things that exist not just in my head) but also in a surpassingly-physical sense - like a super-reality, one might say. I accept stories and fiction as reality in their own contexts - not like I actually think things like A Wrinkle in Time or The Great Gatsby or Doctor Who happened with real people, but I accept them as having a sort of continuity that makes them "real" in their own contexts. There's different kinds of real.
Anyway, I'd been having trouble with my writing. I didn't feel motivated to write, and I didn't care about the story. I kept productive during those two days by writing some details about one character's backstory (or rather, things he did before the story's start) that would help me further the story's point if they actually appeared in the story, but I don't think I'm going to be able to conveniently work them into the story. I don't think that's what made me come to my realization, but I did realize that I hadn't been able to see my characters as real. I was invested in them and their relationships, but I didn't feel like they were real. I didn't believe in them. And as a writer, you have to believe in your characters and you have to think they're real on some level. It just wasn't working for me.
I told all my grandpa about this today while I was hanging out with him. He asked me how I was going to deal with it. I thought about it for a moment and said, "I'm going to stay away from mirrors." He laughed. I went on.
"I think I'm going to dissociate for a bit," I said. "I live in pretty much a constant state of dissociation - just doing things and not really thinking that it's me who's doing them. Just doing them. I think the reason other people don't think about these things like I do is because they're busy doing their own lives and not thinking about the fact that they're the ones doing them, that they're actually them, doing things in their bodies, in this reality. So I'm going to distance myself from the fact that I exist and just think about other stuff. Which is kind of the exact opposite of my problem. It's kind of ironic."
(My grandpa thought this was all quite interesting, and he said something to the effect that this is why he likes talking to me. We can get curiously philosophical together.)
That's been my experience with realizing that I'm real and that I exist and I pilot a body in the physical world and weird stuff like that. Interesting stuff to think about, as long as you don't have to think about it for too long.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
All things end
Being a college student, I have found myself in a place in which college students find themselves all the time. I have found myself in the position of having to take and study for the semester's finals. This is extremely stressful, especially since I've had a class that was very difficult for me and actually damaged my entire self-perception. I'm really only good at academics - well, that and writing - and if I'm not doing well in a class, I feel like I'm not good at my purpose, which is admittedly true. It's also incredibly stressful and occasionally debilitating.
I am also in the position of having to say goodbye to my classes, which is also a bit difficult. I have problems with leaving and losing things, and this has so far been the hardest college semester to end, for a variety of complex emotional reasons. I'm going to miss my classes, which were insightful and interesting. I'm going to miss the class environments, which were wonderful and welcoming and genuinely pleasant. I'm going to miss my acquaintances, who I grew attached to despite not really forming strong emotional bonds with them (that's difficult for me to do, and there was barely any time to do so). I'm going to miss my teachers, who all taught so well.
There's a phrase I've been using for a very long time, and it's helped me cope with reality very well. The phrase is "all things end". It helps me with good things and bad things. It's been increasingly relevant here.
All things end; anything good is going to leave, and I may as well enjoy it while it's here while knowing it won't last forever so I don't have to deal with the pain of growing too attached to it. Thinking something will last forever is a great way to appreciate it while it's here and never recover from losing it when it finally has to go. If you know it's going to end, you can enjoy it while still being informed as to the reality of its impermanence.
All things end; anything bad has got to end sometime, even if it ends when your life does. If you know that something bad will end, it somehow makes it more bearable. You might not know when it ends, but every moment you spend is a moment closer to its end. Sometimes, knowing that it will end makes it bearable.
All things end; neutral things will end just like good things and bad things end. Learn what you can learn from them while they're here. Then move on to the next thing that comes into your life and learn what you can learn from it. Once it's gone, something else will come into your life, and you must learn from it, too. Repeat.
All things end; this is how I'm getting through losing the people and things I've grown attached to, the stress I have to push through, and the miscellany surrounding.
I am also in the position of having to say goodbye to my classes, which is also a bit difficult. I have problems with leaving and losing things, and this has so far been the hardest college semester to end, for a variety of complex emotional reasons. I'm going to miss my classes, which were insightful and interesting. I'm going to miss the class environments, which were wonderful and welcoming and genuinely pleasant. I'm going to miss my acquaintances, who I grew attached to despite not really forming strong emotional bonds with them (that's difficult for me to do, and there was barely any time to do so). I'm going to miss my teachers, who all taught so well.
There's a phrase I've been using for a very long time, and it's helped me cope with reality very well. The phrase is "all things end". It helps me with good things and bad things. It's been increasingly relevant here.
All things end; anything good is going to leave, and I may as well enjoy it while it's here while knowing it won't last forever so I don't have to deal with the pain of growing too attached to it. Thinking something will last forever is a great way to appreciate it while it's here and never recover from losing it when it finally has to go. If you know it's going to end, you can enjoy it while still being informed as to the reality of its impermanence.
All things end; anything bad has got to end sometime, even if it ends when your life does. If you know that something bad will end, it somehow makes it more bearable. You might not know when it ends, but every moment you spend is a moment closer to its end. Sometimes, knowing that it will end makes it bearable.
All things end; neutral things will end just like good things and bad things end. Learn what you can learn from them while they're here. Then move on to the next thing that comes into your life and learn what you can learn from it. Once it's gone, something else will come into your life, and you must learn from it, too. Repeat.
All things end; this is how I'm getting through losing the people and things I've grown attached to, the stress I have to push through, and the miscellany surrounding.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Don't shame people for liking things.
I went to see Catching Fire with my sister and some family friends yesterday. My sister loved it, as did I, and it made me rather happy to see her enjoying it so much. She previously stated that she didn't want to read it because "it's about a million kids running around and killing each other" (she didn't care when I corrected her count to twenty-four). But now she likes it, and it makes me happy to see her enjoying a piece of good fiction. I don't know why she likes it (I presume she came to believe that it has a good plot and that it is interesting and engaging), but no matter why she likes it, she likes it, and it makes her happy.
I have two friends (twin teenage girls) who have yet to read or watch The Hunger Games and who were also originally aversive to the idea for much the same reasons that my sister was. However, through conversations with me about it, they found out that it has themes of revolution as well as a love triangle. These things interested them. They like revolutions, and they like love triangles. (They happen to positively love Les Miserables, which features both of these things).
Some people who knew my two friends wanted to read The Hunger Games because of its love triangle might think they were just stupid teenage girls being stupid teenage girls. The love triangle (and the inclusion of romance in general) is a common criticism of The Hunger Games. It's a series associated with teenage girls, a demographic commonly seen as stupid and immature, and anything that "panders" to them is considered equally stupid. Since teenage girls supposedly love romance and love triangles, the love triangle featuring Katniss with Peeta and Gale is often seen as stupid and unnecessary, and people who like it (especially if they're part of a target audience who is often denounced by those who supposedly know better) are shamed for it.
To be honest, that's pretty stupid and unnecessary in and of itself. And when I refer to "that", I mean "shaming people for liking something". A less-mature person might shame my two friends for being interested in The Hunger Games largely because of its love triangle. They'd accuse them of stereotypically conforming to the unintelligent target audience of the series and embodying everything that's wrong with people who read fiction like that. Why would anyone to do that other than to perpetuate snobbery and make themselves feel superior, though? Saying you shouldn't like something for whatever reason shows an astonishing lack of confidence on the part of the person saying that. Sometimes, people have stereotypical interests not because they're stupid or for the sake of conformity but because they genuinely like them.
If my two friends like love triangles, they like love triangles, and that's all there is to that. They like something. The thing they like has a lot of badly-written examples, and these badly-written examples are often used to characterized or stereotype the people who tend to like them (or, rather, the people who are given them in the fiction directed at them), but just because you're a teenaged girl who likes fiction that depicts complex romantic relationships and feelings where three people are involved doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Ultimately, it just means you like something, and if you find examples of it in fiction that you like, then good for you! Awesome! Read those books! Watch those movies! Fiction should make people happy, and if it makes you happy, that's fantastic. If it makes you happy, then it's fulfilling its goal. And if you read and watch things that make you happy, then you're helping the people who wrote such things fulfill their goals as writers, and that's honestly kind of beautiful.
I have two friends (twin teenage girls) who have yet to read or watch The Hunger Games and who were also originally aversive to the idea for much the same reasons that my sister was. However, through conversations with me about it, they found out that it has themes of revolution as well as a love triangle. These things interested them. They like revolutions, and they like love triangles. (They happen to positively love Les Miserables, which features both of these things).
Some people who knew my two friends wanted to read The Hunger Games because of its love triangle might think they were just stupid teenage girls being stupid teenage girls. The love triangle (and the inclusion of romance in general) is a common criticism of The Hunger Games. It's a series associated with teenage girls, a demographic commonly seen as stupid and immature, and anything that "panders" to them is considered equally stupid. Since teenage girls supposedly love romance and love triangles, the love triangle featuring Katniss with Peeta and Gale is often seen as stupid and unnecessary, and people who like it (especially if they're part of a target audience who is often denounced by those who supposedly know better) are shamed for it.
To be honest, that's pretty stupid and unnecessary in and of itself. And when I refer to "that", I mean "shaming people for liking something". A less-mature person might shame my two friends for being interested in The Hunger Games largely because of its love triangle. They'd accuse them of stereotypically conforming to the unintelligent target audience of the series and embodying everything that's wrong with people who read fiction like that. Why would anyone to do that other than to perpetuate snobbery and make themselves feel superior, though? Saying you shouldn't like something for whatever reason shows an astonishing lack of confidence on the part of the person saying that. Sometimes, people have stereotypical interests not because they're stupid or for the sake of conformity but because they genuinely like them.
If my two friends like love triangles, they like love triangles, and that's all there is to that. They like something. The thing they like has a lot of badly-written examples, and these badly-written examples are often used to characterized or stereotype the people who tend to like them (or, rather, the people who are given them in the fiction directed at them), but just because you're a teenaged girl who likes fiction that depicts complex romantic relationships and feelings where three people are involved doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Ultimately, it just means you like something, and if you find examples of it in fiction that you like, then good for you! Awesome! Read those books! Watch those movies! Fiction should make people happy, and if it makes you happy, that's fantastic. If it makes you happy, then it's fulfilling its goal. And if you read and watch things that make you happy, then you're helping the people who wrote such things fulfill their goals as writers, and that's honestly kind of beautiful.
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