Summer concerns

I'm a little concerned about the summer.

I finally figured out why I dislike being out of school, and it's because, when I'm in school, I have a way to judge how well I'm doing in my function in life (i.e. that of a student). When I'm in school, I get grades, and they tell me how well I'm doing, and thus I can judge my self-worth and my value as a performer of my function in life. But when I'm not in school, there's no grades and thus no way for me to understand how well I'm doing. And given that I essentially base my self-worth off of my grades, my way of thinking does not accommodate not being in school without experiencing a lot of dissonance.

And yet I don't want to take summer classes because being in school literally all the time does stress me. But even when I'm de-stressing and trying to enjoy myself (a monumentally hard task, really, I don't know how to enjoy myself), I don't know how to judge how well I'm doing at life. I could judge it by how much fun I'm having, but 1. I'm bad at having fun, and 2. it makes me feel hedonistic to judge myself over how much I'm enjoying myself (and then that makes me feel utterly repulsed by myself - like viscerally physically sick). I could judge it by how much I'm writing, which would actually be good, but I can't tell the quality of my work, only the quantity, and when I do my writing, I don't have OTHER people judging it, and I don't trust my own judgment, nor the judgment of my peers, so it's not like in school where authority figures validate what I do. Because I can really only feel validated by authority.

Basically, I'm having a small existential crisis because it's summer and I feel it's at least partly to do with how schools are run and how screwed by the system I possibly am.