My kind of hero

I was thinking the other day about what a heroic fictional character whose ability to experience love, emotions, and fulfillment was similar to mine.

I concluded that such a character would be pretty depressive/nihilistic and not be able to experience love for anyone or anything. While they might have a few things that gave them superficial pleasure, none of it would be enough to motivate them to live or give them real fulfillment. All they really want is to not be alive anymore. Nevertheless, they would act altruistically because, for some reason, they didn't choose to kill themself and they chose to act for other people's happiness because they know that they'll never be able to achiever happiness for themself. Everyone assumes they act out of great love and selflessness but it's really the opposite. They act because they can't love or be happy. 

That's what a "good guy" character whose way of experiencing love and emotions was similar to mine would look like. I don't know every single fictional character out there, but I don't know of any who's like this. I doubt anyone would want that character to exist anyway. I mean, at best they wouldn't understand this character, and at worst they'd be repelled by someone whose way of perceiving the world was so alien and so counter to everything we think of as "heroic" and "good".

And thus I am stuck with relating to people who are bad for themselves or others because that's all people like me have. Perhaps I shouldn't be looking for validation in fictional characters because that's fiction, that's not real life, but...well, it's much easier to know things about fictional characters than real people, and I think that any real life people to whom I would relate for these reasons might be worse than some of the fictional ones. 

I would write a character like this, but to write a character, I need to be able to personally understand them, and frankly (maybe due to the lack of representation of such people in fiction, maybe not) I can't comprehend anyone whose actions consist mainly of good ones. Such a character would be a hero. I can't comprehend a hero enough to write one. Maybe that's reasonable, as the mere concept of a hero is a pretty idealistic one. Then again, cynicism is not always deep and idealism is not always dumb.

I don't suppose a story like that would ever get published anyway. I guess people like anti-heroes, but they don't necessarily want anti-heroes who are like that. They like good people who doubt themselves and have flaws but do the right thing in the end, and they like people who act in the name of good and morality but whose actions are a bit questionable, but I don't know of anybody who wants someone whose actions are altruistic but who's dead on the inside. Again, confused at best, repelled at worst.

This is what happens when you're such an uncommon individual. People may be interested to hear some of what you have to say, but much of it will be strange to them, and they will always look at you as an outside and never see themselves or the rest of the world as they understand it reflected in what your life has to say.