Red Vines

So I'm going back to college next Monday. And I'm not going to have any friends. I'd be all right with this - after all, no one goes to community college to make friends, right? - but frankly, I've been experiencing a form of social isolation that's so painful it physically hurts me and I don't like it. So naturally I've got to do something about it.

Well, a few weeks ago, I'd read something somewhere on the internet that a good way to make friends in college is to bring candy on the first day of classes and offer it to people. You'll be known as "the candy person", which is a great thing to be, yeah? Yeah it is.

So I'd been wondering if I should do that (is it too weird? too out-there? too disruptive?) and I've come to the conclusion that yes, yes I should do that. What could it hurt, eh?

And you know what candy I'm gonna bring?

Red Vines.

I got this idea - well, actually, no, I was given this idea by my friend Arija. I was telling her about my resolve to be the "candy person" and she said to bring Red Vines.

I know why she said Red Vines.

It was because of the Red Vines thing.

Have I explained the Red Vines thing? No, I haven't. Let me explain the Red Vines thing. What happened was, when I was on holiday with my aunt last month, I made a joke about buying a thing of Red Vines at an office store (we went there for reasons). She said no. Because that's a lot of Red Vines and it's expensive. Four pounds of bloody Red Vines. Four pounds. Of Red Vines. Four physical pounds.

But guess what she gave me later, when we had gotten back home?

Yes. Red Vines. She got me four literal pounds of Red Vines.

We still haven't eaten all the Red Vines yet. I mean I've been eating lots of them and we're still inundated with Red Vines at my house.

So you know what? I'm going to take said Red Vines, and I'm going to take them to school.

Show up at my math class like, "Hi, want some Red Vines?"

Next day, to my English class. "Hi, want some Red Vines?"

And then to Political Science. "Want some Red Vines?"

Music Appreciation. "Red Vines?"

They're all gonna get Red Vines.

And you know what, that'll kill two birds with one stone! I'll get the Red Vines out of my house because how are we going to get rid of that much Red Vines AND, if what I read someplace on the internet is correct, I'll make friends by being the candy person!

Yes, this brilliant! I'll make friends by giving them the Red Vines we don't want.

Bless you, Arija. Bless you and your suggestion of Red Vines.